


Cold Room

by Yatterqueen



Series: #END #GoblinNation [3]
Category: DCU (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:28:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7393075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yatterqueen/pseuds/Yatterqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an ill-advised attempt at pranking Natasha, Carmilla and Daisy find themselves joining the superspy for a mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Room

“Do you think they know?” a blonde woman asks, sitting a large brown table in a dark room. Her name is Jenna Duffy, a carpenter, and she doesn’t know how she gets involved in these things. After her little run-in with Harley Quinn a week ago (and, followed by Ivy ignoring her phone calls for an hour), she’s a little thirsty for revenge against that clown, but this isn’t that.

This is evil.

In a triangle in front of her (she makes a diamond when she sits) are, from left to right clockwise, some lady calling herself Queen Cat (just a color-flipped Black Cat, if you ask her), a redheaded woman calling herself the Goblin Queen (where’s the rest of her outfit), and a black-haired lady on her cellphone who calls herself Skein (got nothing).

None of them she’s ever heard of before, so she doesn’t understand how she got a seat at the table.

“That the Goblin Nation is back, I mean.”

The Goblin Queen shakes her head. “I’m certain they don’t. And that’s why we wanted you to come, Jenna. You’re a carpenter, aren’t you?”

“ _The_ Carpenter, yeah.”

“Then, you’re just what we need. A spy. Just use your... _other_ skills to get in where you need to be and use your carpenting to keep them calling.”

“You know, carpenters aren’t really in high demand like that.”

Queen Cat cackles. “For these people? Our targets? They will be soon. Research says they’re cursed.”

“Like… _scientific_ research?” Jenna asks.

“Yes,” Queen Cat confirms. “Monica Rappaccini has been doing research on the Blue Statue. I slipped in and had a read. It seems about twelve women were infected with the curse when the statue was destroyed, making them more prone to accidents that result -- in my opinion -- hilarious physical comedy. And it’s contagious. The more people they get involved, the more the curse spreads. When you add She-Hulks in the mix...”

“Doors need to be repaired more often, got it.”

“Good,” Goblin Queen says. “Now, Skein, how is Delores progressing?”

“Sybil,” she responds, putting the phone away from her face, “And she’s there. She’s due for the pick-up tomorrow but I have word SHIELD’s caught wind of her mission.”

“Well,” the Goblin Queen smiles, “Too bad the adamantium Delores is going after isn’t our real target.”

Jenna raises an eyebrow. “Then what is, GQ?”

“Call me Madelyne. We need someone to recruit for us in the prisons,” Madelyne Pryor twirls a strand of hair. “And maybe, if she’s so inclined, lead a _breakout_.”

<<>>

When Kate goes on dates, Carmilla has nothing to do. She and Laura are on a bit of a break right now, Lyra’s still disgustingly in love with America, and most of her friends aren’t really keen on in getting into her schemes.

Daisy Johnson, the Inhuman known to some as Quake, hasn’t really been exposed to her that often, so she doesn’t know how bad Carmilla is at planning things. She’s only seen her exceptional skill at spywork and fighting; in fact, Daisy thinks Carmilla is pretty cool, a feeling reciprocated.  

Daisy’s learning quickly that you don’t listen to Carmilla off the field, though.

“We’re not going to give the Black Widow a wedgie, I don’t care what she said about your… I forget, but it’s not important.”

“It isn’t,” Carmilla quickly agrees, peering at Natasha sitting down alone doing a crossword puzzle, “but it’s the principle of the matter. It’s _personal_.’

“Why am I here if it’s a ‘personal’ thing then?”

“Uh, because I need a lookout? If, like, Mockingbird sees me, I’m dead. They teamed up on me one time, it was awful. Besides, you owe me a solid.”

Carmilla is surprisingly good at getting solids from people.

“Fine,” Daisy sighs. “I’m a lookout and I’m running the minute it backfires and Natasha rips those new indestructible undies.”

\-- Recently, on a dare by a very drunk Wanda Maximoff, a similarly very drunk Janet Van Dyne, Susan Storm, and Dr. Kimiyo Hoshi created absolutely indestructible panties. They can stretch ridiculously far without ever ripping and snap right back into place (though they remain outstretched until you focus on fixing them). No wear, no tear, easy to wash -- a perfect pair of underwear. Upon going sober, Janet realized that this could probably make money and literally said, “What the hell?” and started having them mass produced by her fashion company.

Now, pretty much everyone has a pair, and a lot of superwomen have underwear drawers stocked completely with them because wedgies have somehow become rather commonplace (the best kept secret among the community, though there are exceptions). They come in a variety of colors, cuts and styles, so it’s not like it’s their an eyesore either.

Anyway, aside aside, back to the story. --

Carmilla sticks her tongue out at her. “She can’t rip what can’t be ripped, dummy. Just keep your eyes open.”

Daisy keeps them open alright. She sees Carmilla sneak up behind Natasha, who bent down to pick up her pencil, pull the spy’s black lace boyshorts up to her own chest. Then, she sees Natasha pop up, glare at Carmilla, fix her underwear, and drag Carmilla over to where Daisy was keeping watch by her novelty print red and black Betty Boop panties.

“Owowowow,” Carmilla repeats the entire walk over.

“Where does she get these?” Daisy wonders, “ _Why_ does she?”

Natasha shoves Carmilla at Daisy, and the just wedgied tries to fix her wedgie. 

“You two,” the spy says, “are coming with me on a mission.”

“People will know we are with you, right?” Daisy questions. “Just wondering.”

Natasha beckons them along. “You won’t want them to, trust.”

<<>>

When they touched down at their location, a jungle in bumfuck, who cares, Natasha bolted like this wasn’t a team operation.

“Keep up,” she had said to them.

Despite their relative enhancements to a normal person, Daisy and Carmilla couldn’t quite do so because they don’t know the terrain as well as Natasha seems to.

“Are we supposed to catch her?” Carmilla asks, stopping and pulling down the mask of her two piece Scorpion costume. “Is this a Naruto thing where he have to get the bells from her?”

“You’re such a dweeb,” Daisy responds, adjusting her jacket.

“Shut up,” Carmilla shoves Daisy lightly, “ _you_ introduced me to that show.”

Daisy shoves her back. “Doesn’t mean you have to talk about in real life. Save it for your blog.”

“Whatever. I don’t --”

The duo see Natasha rush through some trees. It’s either a trap or she’s getting sloppy... so it’s definitely a trap.

Instead of taking the bait and rushing after her, Daisy shakes the area with her powers, hoping to disorient Natasha long enough for Carmilla to use her gauntlet’s GPS feature (how do you think she found Widow the first time?).

The GPS shows Natasha falling out of a tree and down a hill, a sight confirmed by Daisy’s own two eyes. The two exchange worried glances and rush over.

And that’s when they’re caught. As they look over to the rolling body, they realize it’s not a real one, but a stuffed toy.

“Does she just have one of those around?” Carmilla wonders aloud.

Daisy doesn’t get to answer as Natasha pushes the two of them down the hill after the doll.

The two panic and Carmilla scream curses as she does, as their momentum sends them over a ledge. Daisy can see it’s not too far a drop -- it’d _hurt_ , but they’d live and without any serious injuries.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t Natasha’s endgame. They do go over the ledge, but they never hit the ground.

Carmilla’s toes curl instantly as she realizes what happened, looking behind her and seeing her panties hooked on a rock. While, to some extent, Carmilla is used to it (it still mad uncomfortable), she looks over at Daisy, who’s having a harder time dealing with the fact all her momentum just stopped on her underwear, a pair of pink heart print hot pants with a lace pink waistband and sent the fabric right up her behind.

“This your first time falling into a wedgie?” Carmilla asks, somewhat surprised. Most people she knows have had this happen to them at least once. Heck, it happens to her maybe once a week.

“S- _Shut it_ , Carmilla,” Daisy warns. Then she softens somewhat. “Ow, my ass.”

Natasha slid down the hill and hopped over the ledge. “You girls should invest in a one piece.”

Carmilla crosses her arm, trying to look tough in her predicament. “Very funny, Nat. Let us down now, huh?”

“Nope. This is your punishment for ambushing me.”

“I wasn’t even involved!” Daisy objects.

“Were you not her lookout?” Natasha asks, tilting her head.

Daisy scrunches up her face in confusion. “You _heard_ that?”

“Of course I didn’t.” Natasha holds up a walkie-talkie. “Bobbi did.”

The Black Widow begins to walk away. ‘Don’t worry girls, no one takes this path. You’ll be fine until I get my mark.”

The two object, but Natasha’s long gone. Five minutes pass in silence and then Daisy uses her power to vibrate Carmilla.

“You suck,” she says.

<<>>

Natasha has put on a large coat obscuring her catsuit and some sunglasses and now waits for her mark, Delores Winters, at a table in the nearby small town’s bar. When she enters, Natasha makes no move to notice her, doing the same crossword puzzle she was earlier. Ten minutes later, when Delores goes into the backroom, she keeps doing it.

Only five minutes after she leaves, does Natasha get up to follow her.

There aren’t many people here, even less out at night, so following the woman directly raises suspicions. Natasha instead takes an alternate route to the hotel she knows Delores is staying at. In fact, she may even beat her there.

And then two angry and flustered faces make that a pipe dream.

“You left us!” Carmilla hisses.

“I did,” Natasha replies flatly. “I’m in the middle of something.”

“No! _Apologize_.”

“Fine. Sorry you fell.” Natasha attempts to bypass them, but Carmilla sticks her foot out and trips her. The spy hits the side of a building face first and slumps down, not unconscious, but highly upset.

The noise alerts Delores and though Carmilla and Daisy are obscured by the building, the villain sees Natasha. She begins to hasten her move to her hotel room, perhaps to plan an escape, or even plan a last stand.

As Natasha slowly rises to her feet, Carmilla can feel the heat of her anger.

“...can I apologize? I think I may have overreacted.”

Not having any of it, Natasha turns Carmilla around and shoves her into the alley. Daisy doesn’t dare watch but she hears a number of audible stretching sounds and Carmilla’s squealing. When Natasha emerges a few moments later, Daisy peeks in the alley to see the damage.

“Ouch,” she mouths, watching Carmilla dangle from a window apron by her green pants with her underwear legholes pulled up over her shoulders and the waistband resting on her forehead.

“Get me down, Daisy,” the green-haired Scorpion groans.

<<>>

Natasha, Daisy, and Carmilla decide to storm Delores’ hotel and arrest her. Natasha used her Avengers card to get a master card to open Delores’ hotel room while Carmilla and Daisy take the windows.

The trio burst in at the same time to find Delores packing.

“Put the t-shirt down,” Daisy says, “or you get hurt.”

“Maybe say ‘put your hands up’ next time,” Carmilla offers, earning a glare in response. “Just saying.”

Delores does put her hands up and the women begin to converge around her to arrest her. When she’s certain their feet are on the ground, she does jazz hands to freeze their legs to the ground. Her cyrokinesis isn’t exactly a secret, so she doesn’t know why that was so damn easy.

“I know you must have heard I was a cyrokinetic,” Delores says.

“We don’t know anything about you,” Natasha points out flatly. “Checkmate just sent us a tip you were involved in this illegal adamantium transport.”

“Wait, so…”

“Sorry. You could’ve been anyone and the story here would’ve been the same.”

Delores twists her face in anger and stomps. “Ridiculous! After all the work I put into myself, I can’t even be recognized!”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Daisy asks.

“No! Because obviously I can still be recognized as a _criminal,_ just not as a _supervillain._ ”

“I get it,” Carmilla says. “Like, if we’re going to arrest her anyway, then the least we could do is know who we’re going after.”

“Exactly! If you stepped in and said, ‘stop Endless Winter, don’t move a muscle!’ it would’ve made me feel better about the whole thing. I don’t even want this stupid adamantium. I only took it off the Russians because they paid _me_ to.”

Natasha nods. “That was a confession. Daisy?”

“Got it.” Daisy mocks Delores’ jazz hands and shatters the ice with her powers. “Wanna try again?”

The villainess sighs and holds her arms out. “No, cuff me.”

Carmilla grabs her hands to dampen her powers as a precaution with S.P.I.N. Tech, but also pulls her forward so she can slip behind and grab Delores’ plain white hi-cut panties out of her black leather pants.

“Hey! This is cruel and unusual!” the villainess protests, running in place as her underwear slices into her.

Ignoring her, Carmilla keeps pulling and pulling. Natasha and Daisy holds their heads in their hands while Carmilla completes the atomic wedgie, placing the waistband over the woman’s nose and pulling Delores’ head back.

Sighing, the Black Widow calls for SHIELD. “We need pick up in fifteen,” she says, then hangs up. Then she turns to Delores who is still trying to pull her underwear off her head, “If you need to adjust or change, you have fifteen minutes. Good luck.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I think this is my favorite story I've ever written. Anyway, plot wise, now the Blue Statue plot actually has some direction, thanks to a recent commission done for me by CaptainAwesomest and we have our new villains for this saga. What exactly they want I don't know yet, but I don't really care either.
> 
> Also, now that there's indestructible underwear and superwomen, the wedgies can get a little more ridiculous. That's always fun, isn't it?


End file.
